Meditation of My Heart

Snap! A belt whizzes through the air. A little girl, about the age of 6, covers her face with her hands to keep the leather from striking her face. Count to 10!, her father screams. She cowers, trying to push herself in the corner of the dog pen she is shut in, as far away from the anger as she can. He lashes out both in tongue and in each strike as it comes. The details blur. How long did she cry? How long did she beg for him to stop until she gave up trying? Long enough to think it wouldn't end. Why? Was it the alcohol? Who knows ... but it was definitely the sin of a broken world. It is a world that we often feel like God has abandoned. A world that God often seems powerless. Tonight in church we studied Mark 5. In verse 25, we learn of a woman that bled for 12 years. For 12 years, she sought doctors for healing. Did she think God had forgotten her? Did she feel He didn't care? Can you imagine the desperation of being considered unclean by your own people for 12 years? 1

With assisted suicide in the news lately and this being the anniversary of my mother's death a year ago from brain cancer, I have been thinking. I understand people wanting to not suffer, not wanting to have those they love watch them suffer, not wanting to be unable to care for themselves. I get it. As a Christian though, we are not called to comfortable or an easy life. We are called to glorif y God. My mother's suffering was beautiful in its own way. Do I wish she or us went through it .... no, but it was beautiful none the less. We only had a short time of suffering and I can understand those that would struggle month in and month out would get tired, but we have Christ and His strength. When my mom couldn't remember the day or where she was, she remembered everything was to the glory of God. When her body failed with seizure after seizure and stroke after stroke, her spirit was soaring and showering God's faithfulness and love on all those that cared for her. In

Sep 02, 2015 11:41pm I am her A woman whose soul is torn Courage slips between the fingers Scared, shattered and alone Tomorrow a lost promise I am broken I am her A woman trapped in darkness wandering alone Sold my body and lost my soul Worthless and used I am hopeless I am her A woman imprisoned by fear Held captive by the worthlessness Sinking in ... can no longer breathe Fighting terror within because it is without I am dying I am her A woman clawing up the ladder Screaming out my worth Fighting for me Loud and bold as to hide the truth I am unforgiven I am her A girl that they chose to throw away The unwanted gift, the unplanned burden The reminder of helplessness I am a choice I am her The one that looks away because the guilt is heavy the pain is searing My heart is gasping I am insufficient I am her A child of God Broken by Grace Hope of His future Given the choice of life I am forgiven for He is enough when they see me do they see who I am is only because of I AM

While doing my Bible study today, I was thinking about our chickens. I find it enjoyable to watch them dance around the yard and do well, chicken things. Anyone who has chickens know they have this thing called "pecking order". ..where either by their beautiful chickenness, meanness or other unknown factor they determine who is the top chicken and the cascading levels to the poor mutually bullied  bottom one. However, when I come outside, I pay no attention to the pecking order. I truly don't see the chickens as they see themselves. They are just my chickens and I have things I love about each of them; other than the rooster that likes to attack us and is going to find himself headed for chicken soup if he doesn't change his ways.... but that's another story. There is no Greek, no Jew, no male, no female, no rich, no poor in God's church. He doesn't see us as we see ourselves. He doesn't participate in our pecking order. He formed us in the womb. We a

Thirst  "I thirst!" He cried.   and I couldn't comprehend Thirst it screamed within His soul     His life is near the end "I thirst!" He cried     Separated, Sacrificed He drank the Cup of Wrath     Pleased, God crushed Him Justice on our behalf. "I thirst" I cried Thirst created by a chasm     Heightened by the pain Cloaking me in darkness     Keeping me in shame He thirst, He died    The dividing curtain tore He thirst so I    May thirst no more.  KG 2013

Reflection. A pause to ponder things of the past. Lately, things have come across my path - blogs, conversations - that have caused me to reflect. I will celebrate my 25th wedding anniversary this year. Amazing! It sounds so cliche' but "Where has the time gone?"  I have changed so much in 25 years. My ideas. My beliefs. My goals. Where is the 18 year old girl that thought she would be a pediatric psychiatrist and put her children in daycare? I look and see that she and I are so different. Yet a part of her still dwells in the shadows of me.  How times change! When we swaddled that first child and brought her home, we were the progressive parents and we were going to get it right unlike the generations before. Progressive would have been better titled permissive and child-whipped. By the time child number two was coming home, we came to the conclusion this isn't working. We joined a parenting class that taught us a lot about discipline, but not much grace. This was